Redemption
by antimonial
Summary: The ones responsible for the dream spend their final moments in remembrance.


Redemption _Yojimbo: Forgiveness_

So this is the end. To be completely honest, I never once imagined it would be like this. That you, a girl with practically no money, who just happened to stumble into my chamber, would be the one to finally defeat Sin. 

Now what happens? Do we all just disappear? Is this really it?

Then I guess this is the last chance I'll get to say this. Actually, I have a confession to make. Regardless of the lifestyle I've chosen, I don't think I ever lived up to my name. As a Fayth, I mean.

You could say that the only reason I became a Fayth in the first place was to save myself. While I'd prefer to say that I was once a well-known and loved follower of Yevon, I was almost the exact opposite: just another egotistical no name. Truth is, when I was alive back in the Calm Lands, I was… greedy, to put it lightly. I would take things from the passers-by; sometimes they would be trivial possessions, but other times they would be things that couldn't be replaced. I suppose that I thought my own survival was justification enough for my actions. My whole life was about receiving. My universe depended on me, it revolved around me, it _was_ me. Never did I think twice about the things I did. Not once did the thought of giving something back to the world cross my mind.

Not until I died, anyway.

When you're lying there before the brink of death, you really get to thinking about your life. What you did wrong, what you could have done… Then your thoughts change from what was to what is going to be. Where are you going when you die? Is the Farplane really there, or was it all just a myth told to us to rest our minds? Does it all just end, with nothing but emptiness afterwards?

It wasn't like I thought about death on a regular basis or anything, so I'll admit that these ideas rattled my bones a little. I guess that by that time, panic had taken over my mind. I remember calling out as I was dying, praying to Yevon to forgive me, to let me have another chance. As odd as it may sound, it was the first time I had ever sincerely prayed to anything. It was selfish of me to ask for salvation now of all times, but I did.

Someone must have taken pity on my soul, because I suddenly felt… good? I don't know exactly how to describe the feeling, but it was as if a huge load had been lifted off of my shoulders. That's how I knew that I had been forgiven. My life's record had been cleared and now I had a clean slate to shape the way I wanted. 

And yet, even that was not enough for me. The brilliant golden statue I resided in soon became nothing more than a prison. I was trapped inside a room in the old Calm Lands temple alone, except for my faithful dog, Daigoro, who had followed me even in death. (His companionship surprised me, considering that I hadn't thought to ask for his forgiveness.)

Maybe that's why I was pleased when those two thieves came into my chamber that night. They planned to take my statue across the bridge to Mt. Gagazet, and finally to their hideout on the border of Zanarkand. I couldn't help but sneer at their ill-timed burglary; they were forced to take cover in a small cave hidden on the outskirts of the Calm Lands. However, their luck ran short: the cave they sheltered in was filled with fiends, and as they tried to carry their heavy burden to one of the back caves, they were easily devoured by the stronger monsters that hid in the shadows. 

Even though I hate to say it, I didn't care. I wasn't in the least bit shaken that these people, who were similar to what I used to be, had died because of me. I felt only relief; relief that I wouldn't have to face those foolish priests and Summoners, whining to me about their ridiculous morals. Like I could help them to solve anything.

But even being in the middle of a fiend-infested cave didn't stop them from coming. Once the Crusaders informed the Maesters where I was hidden, the Summoners started to reappear. Sometimes they would make it through to me, but more often than not they would die on the journey, contributing their troubled souls to become fiends in my cave. Yet, there was one thought that always managed to bothered me; why would they risk their lives to see me?

I was never one to dwell on a single problem for very long, so their determination was marked off as selfishness. They must have come for the fame and glory of defeating Sin. An imprudent thought, but it was what I told myself.

I convinced myself pretty well. I even started thinking: why should I help them when I'm not getting anything back in return? Thus, I created a new system for my services; either pay me or forget about it. In spite of everything that had happened, nothing else mattered at this point… not even if these Summoners failed because of my lack of help. 

To think that 1000 years wasn't enough for me. 1000 long years of nothing but selfishness… Sometimes, I stop and wonder where it all went wrong, what caused me to go astray in the path of life. But I already know the answer to that; the only thing that existed in my world was myself, and therefore I was the only one to blame. I was nothing like the phoenix I so often associated myself with; rather, I deserved the chicken feed I refused to take. It's taken me 1000 years to learn, but now I know that everything I did in life was wrong, that my whole life was a mistake.

But I've learned too late. 

I'm watching as you spin, staff in hand, performing the final dance. Sin has already been sent, and now it's time for the rest of us to go. I hear a soft hymn coming from below me; Valefor has starting to sing for you. Did you know that she always watched over you? I've never understood this feeling that I had when I watched her protecting you, but now I see that it was envy. All this time, I've been envious of her… No, not just her, but of all the Fayths. How they could share so much love for each Summoner who graced their temples, and do it without asking for a single thing…

You've turned to me now. Your eyes are older than they were when I first met you, yet they still remain strong even now. While I know this isn't enough, I'm sorry. Sorry for asking so much of you, sorry for never acknowledging your strength, sorry for everything. 

You nod… You understand. Somehow, that makes me feel at peace.

If I had a choice, I wouldn't leave this world yet. There's still so much to be done, so many mistakes I could fix in my life. I had always hoped that I would leave this world with my conscience guilt-free, but I imagine that it isn't possible now. I don't deserve to make another choice. I don't deserve another chance.

I can feel the world growing distant as you send me. If there is such thing as the Farplane, I'd like to live there. I've heard that it's very peaceful there, with nothing but contentment… my kind of place. If I arrive, I would get to know the other Fayths, catch up on lost time… I would apologize to the people who exist there now because of me. I could finally start living again.

I'm here again, at the rift between life and death. I don't expect to get another chance because I know I've gotten one too many chances already. I don't expect anyone to take notice of my death, anyone to come to the Farplane in Guadosalam to honor me. Honestly, I don't expect much of anything right now. I don't even expect to be given a place in the Farplane.

But really, that's all I want right now. A place to rest, to atone for all the sins I have committed. I can only hope that this is enough for you to forgive me. 

This. My confession. 

My redemption…

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_A/N: I've been getting bored writing _Kirei na Kanjou_, so I started this fic to start writing something again. It was actually inspired by Wolfwood's confession from the series _Trigun_. It's always been one of my favorite scenes in the whole show, so, you know. I feel like I took a lot from the original confession though… _

_This is the first angst I've ever written. It didn't turn out exactly the way I planned, but whatever (I wanted to include more about Yojimbo's dog, for example, but I sorta forgot). It seems like this idea must have been written about before… And while this is kind of odd and random: that line about the bandits being devoured always sounds strangely amusing to me. Either I worded it funny or I'm becoming a sadist and a semi-insomniac (is that possible?) at the age of 14._

_I wrote the thing listening to "Rakuen," the song that plays during aforementioned Trigun scene above. Honestly, I hate the ending of this fic, but I couldn't think of anything better at the moment, so I might decide to rewrite this sometime (in the far, far future). Originally I was going to start with Valefor's chapter, but I wrote two paragraphs and lost it. Don't know if I should continue this or not… depends, I guess. Comments and critiques appreciated and needed. ^^_

_Oh, and while it's probably assumed, I don't own any of the aeons or characters that are mentioned in the story._


End file.
